I thought it was getting better. And it was. But now I'm faced with confronting my demons yet again. Somehow it's got to stop.
Funny how what you thought was going to be one of the best years of your life turns for the worse at the last minute. I had finally come to terms, so I thought, with everything that's happened these last few years. The divorce. My father's death. One beloved dog dead, the other
approaching death. The initial death-throes of the job I once loved and defined myself by. So much has changed this last year. Got myself into pretty good shape mentally and physically. Got some decent chops built on the guitar. Had a damn good outlook on everything ... probably for the first time in more than ten years.
Then came the rain.
I could feel it coming. The end of summer and resultant melancholy that always seems to go along with it. The end of my biking after work. The end of sunlit mornings and sunlit afternoons. But I'm kidding myself aren't I? That was such a small part of it. The darkness makes the loneliness seem so much more acute. It's easy to hide it away behind endless nights at a concert, in a glass of Absolut and Tonic or some cabernet, or on a bike after work as the sun goes down. I haven't ridden in almost a month now and while I miss it terribly I can't seem to bring myself to ride. I can't say the same for the ANT's and the shows, those dont seem to want to stop. I've been told these last three months have been more of a reaction to this time of year representing the end of so many things in my life. EVERYTHING died at this time.
But I'm kidding myself.
It isn't really any of that. Those things aren't what's making me cry at the foot of my bed, pleading for help from a god I don't even believe in. Those things aren't what has forced me to break a vow to myself never to medicate my mind. Those things aren't what has made me realize that I don't have control over my feelings and emotions. They may be part of the darkness, but I know deep inside what it really is.
And that scares me.
How on earth can one person affect another so much. When L bailed on me it was hard. But not like this. And for god's sake I was with her for damn near fifteen years. I suppose I'll never really understand what went right and wrong. If there's a god I curse him for putting me through this for so little reward. To have your heart opened and your feelings awakened only to be taken from you is something I don't know if I want to ever deal with again. I know I'll keep taking the risks ... but now there's so much caution. I can't help but wonder if I'll be able to give up myself like that again and ignore the head for the sake of the heart. But for now I've got to deal somehow with the aching hole inside of me. Time will find some way of filling it up and paving it over I suppose. In some ways I don't really want it to, but I've got to stop letting it fester and get the best of me.
There used to be three, and now there are four rooms inside me that house the lost opportunities and regrets. I pray at this point in my life, the inn is closed. Clinging to false hopes has always been one of my faults.
