monday
night ... november 24 2003 ... entirely too late.
you will not take this or hold
this against me.
i'm in trouble. another night of
entirely too much moshing and too much drinking. i'm back to the old days of
playing pool until the wee hours of the morning and coming home and forgetting
the whole experience. it's not that bad. but i'm scared. i wasn't even planning
on going tonight. but i did. and tiffany and bear and tim and jeff were all
there. and i moshed. didn't get hurt mind you. but why the fuck am i doing this?
hell the band wasn't even that good. lmao. one of the openers tonight had two
guitar players and all i could think about was how good it would be to be on
stage with them and to live that whole lifestyle of loose morals, drugs, alcohol
and sex. instead, i work the stupid ass 11 hour day and pretend like i'm hip in
the off hours. studded belts, short cropped hair and jewelry don't cut it
anymore it seems. god damn how i long to be up there. even for one year, to
screw my way across the country playing guitar to a pit full of sluts and idiots
who don't know any better. sigh. but alas ... my momma raised be responsible.
gotta keep the job that lets me play ... gotta keep in line for those on this
planet who like me ... but i still wonder what it would be like to be up there
night after night... getting fucked up, putting more stuff into my body than i
do now without a care, not having to worry about making it home, not having to
come home alone, not having to worry about commitments and anything else. ....
but that's not really me. it's just a stupid dream. there's more i want, and i
know it. but why do i think at times like these that spending the night
backstage and in a limo would be the be and end all? deep, deep down it's not
what i crave, but i still want it. i'm relieved for the most part that this year
is winding down ... maybe it's time for a change ... maybe it's time to cut out
these late fucking nights pretending to be something i can't be ... i'm too old
... face it ... you can't kick ass when you're 40 ... all the studded belts in
china aren't going to make me young again ... fuck it ....
i will continue to go to these
shows .. and i will continue to mosh .. and i will continue to get fucked up on
occasion. the worst thing in the world that could happen is for me to find
someone who likes everything i do. it would be the end of me. an early grave for
sure. but on the other hand, unlike a year ago, when i thought the world was
going to end, and i spent hours on end curled up in a ball in the shower crying
my eyes out, spending thanksgiving evening outside away from everyone, smoking a
cigar, crying while i leaned up against my mom's garage, explaining to my
brother (who never understood it) why i was so fucked up .... but now ... i'm
way better ... or at least i think i am... i've got a true friend .. one
who's willing to put up with me, one who likes me for who i am, one who i like
for whom she is, there may be somethings missing, but i feel at home, feel
comfortable, feel relaxed, feel at ease with her. that's more than i've had in
such a long time. thank you b. i know i don't stay it nearly enough, or often
enough, or whatever enough. but my dear, you are a true, true friend. i'm
honored to have the privilege of laying my head in your lap on a lazy sunday
evening, and to share that occasional glass of wine.
but all of that doesn't end the
plea for help. i'm afraid the help is only going to come from me. once again
it's time i learned my limits and abided by them. maybe this endless array of
ticket stubs and colored wristbands is not the healthiest thing on this planet.
maybe. maybe not.. time to go think about it ... and maybe decide to finally cut
back ...
maybe.
to all those who know me, and to
those who don't, a blessed thanksgiving and may
you have peace of mind in these troubled times.
