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i should be asleep right now. but for some reason i'm not. oh yeah, it's cuz i'm thinking. life's still calling my bluff this week. VERY important phone call tomorrow ... could be the start of something big finally. eeeek. like a little trembly mouse, i'm scared. but i've been through worse and i'm sure i shall persevere no matter what happens. hee hee. of course it would be totally the life living on my only little stream with a rod in my hand. if only. started cleaning up the place this week. found a few things along the way. old wedding pictures, pictures from times long long gone. pictures from the world's best camping trip and soper's casino at montgomery pass. that whole trip .... learning to like to drink again ... learning to like vodka ... even if, lol, and i cringe as i say this, even if it came in a mother fucking plastic jug. learning to play texas hold'em. learning to fish right. that trip was the one really magical trip i've had in my life. four days with the boys ... boys way older than me at the time. boys who taught a little 20 something year old how to enjoy beer, vodka, how to play poker, how to gamble, how to win at gambling .... how to fish for real. good times. i can still remember splitting the steaks to pile in the onions. sitting around the campfire having one of the best nights ever. fuckin a. went back to the campsite a few years later and it was nothing like i remembered. why is that? i really think it was better for real and not just my imagination. in any event, thank god we survived and made it back in one piece. california really needs to rethink it's open container law when it comes to motor-homes. lol. ahhhh. i soooooo remember my first piss at the big trees in olancha. good times. so where the fuck did it all go? i need to get back in touch with mr. gomez. i know granucci has long since passed and moved on to greener pastures. so sad. so many memories. and all this brought back by a bunch of stupid photographs. but they aren't really stupid are they? found some of the ex's stuff too. that's another weird sticky wicket. do i call after all this time and ask if she still wants her crap or not? decisions decisions. haven't talked to her since she handed me her papers one night through a closed door. she even asked to come in. i said no. weird. weird. weird. so many years and for what? one last parting glance and a fistful of papers shoved through a door. heh. oh god, i'm getting maudlin and stuff. help me help me. i know, i'll go back to listening to the alice in chains cd i've been playing non-stop all week. fuckers. they started it all, and i keep coming back for more. oh well. tomorrow i'm calling mr. gomez and making a stop on my way home. the ex can wait. snuff
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