i'm being honest tonight and it
sucks. i've been on the receiving end of honesty in the not-so-distant past and
i remember how the hurt stung so bitterly. i can't help but consider the
dichotomy of those two nights around a pier that ended up shaping my mindset
more than a divorce, a death, or almost anything else in some 38 years of life.
two nights that brought so much revelation, truth, happiness and despair. so
i've made a promise to myself never to harm, and i fear i'm doing that tonight.
not that i've done anything intentional mind you. that would be unforgiveable.
seems kind of like karma in reverse .... you've been obliterated, now it's your
turn to do the same. the only problem is .... i don't want to do that. so i'm
pressing on with honesty. kind of like setting a backfire against a hurt you
know is going to happen, and hoping it stops it from spreading and consuming
everything. hoping anyway. i don't think you can set a backfire against
emotions, though. it's been tried on me to no avail.
fuck it all.
explain this to me.
anyone.
explain how you can say in one
breath that you don't want to make someone sad, and then turn around and do it
anyway. how can that be? i honestly, truly do not want to hurt, yet i have the
feeling i'm going to do it regardless of my actions. damned if you do, damned if
you don't.
life was so much simpler being
seperated ... no dating ... no marriage ... emotional limbo. i'm beginning to
miss the void i thought i hated so damn much.
i know my time will come.
there'll be another who will capture my heart. maybe even another who will force
me to visit the pharmacy. until then i make a promise tonight never to willingly
and knowingly hurt another's heart or soul, regardless of the difficulties it
causes me.
may the karma police be
satisfied tonight on my account.
