so i've been remiss with writing the last two weeks, both here and in private.
i've more or less fallen completely off the wagon at this point ... and so not
in the way you're thinking. the old me has become ascendant once again and i
hate it. i'm trying desperately to regain control, but lately i can't find a
good enough reason to care too much about which direction i'm heading. sigh. but
tonight might be a turning point. got the diet back under control, i'm writing
again, i've made friends with the guitar once more, and am back to at least
putting in some decent practice time here and elsewhere. this isn't turning out
to be the year i was expecting it to be, especially after the last. i have at
least made some progress on other fronts and yet some things remain woefully the
same as before. to my dismay the feelings are slowly dying while the reaction to
the hurts inflicted remains stronger than ever. i long so much for those
feelings i had so many long months ago ... how good the sun felt, how i loved
the blue sky, the wind in my face. now it's all so i don't know what. i miss her
so much, yet i go out of my way to avoid contact. to look into her eyes as i did
one those warm summer nights would be a bliss i would gladly sacrifice my
being for, if only it were possible. it's dead and gone now though, and that
saddens me, not to the points it did earlier, but to the point of being
bittersweet.
but enough
of this for now. i've got a band name to come up with, pictures to download to
disk for the band's site, cd's to cut for practice, not to mention actually
doing some practicing. tomorrow will also hopefully somewhat clarify the work
situation ... there are still too many uncertainties in that arena.
good night
and god bless and all my love to the lost causes i've pursued over the years
with nary a regret.
