what a fucking difference a year makes eh? so here i am tonight, after a long
pause, feeling guilty about not practicing enough, not working on this site
enough, not meditating enough, but god almighty .... i sure drank enough tonight
to make up for it. so here i am. inebriated. making bad decisions. drowning the
sorrow and feelings of a dog whose time is nearing. and i mean that in the
literal sense. pongo's time is almost up. and as i cried tonight thinking about
how much i love that stupid dog, i realized what an inane and inept buddhist i
am. so much for letting go and holding no attachments. fuck. my life is full of
them. work. love. hope. stuff that's gone by the wayside and yet i keep clinging
for some dumb reason. my mind realizes that NOW is the only thing that matters
... the future and the past are mere illusions ... but after all ... i am only
human.
so tonight is dedicated to
pongo. that small, tiny, little ball of fur that i brought home so many
years ago. that little ball who grew to be a 100 pound dalmatian. that little
ball who almost was banished from the house. that tiny little ball that became
my mother's rock after my dad's passing. that little ball, who has so sadly
degenerated into a mere shadow of himself. that's the sad part. a
dog who can barely move under his own steam. if, and i mean if, there was a
truly sentient, kind, loving, all-knowing god, he would have ended it for both
the sake of the dog and my mother. but no. life is suffering, attachments are
suffering, and this experience proves it all too handily. pongo will be gone
soon. the tears will flow, hearts will break, and mom will have one more reason
not to believe. all i would have asked for is some mercy and a late night sleep
from which one never awoke. of course that doesn't appear to be in the cards. i
swear ... there are times where i believe i would do a better job at being god
than whomever currently holds that title.
enough bitching though.
i pray that by the next time i
write the deed will have been done and pongo's soul has been installed with all
the other good dogs who go to heaven. i pray that i'll meet him again some day
in the form that brought us all so much joy rather than pity and sadness.
and for those of you who are
wondering about me and my mind ... don't worry ... regardless of the temptation,
i'm in no way inclined to make the same mistake twice. there are some things
that i actually learn and retain!
